They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Beauty, like taste, is subjective. Yes, we tell ourselves that with our rationale brains, yet our own psyches make us think differently. Images of Catherine, Sophia, Cindy, Salma, and Jennifer pop up at every turn, taunting us with a twisted version of reality. And now we are bombarded with Kate’s winsome beauty, making us all dream of marrying a prince. After a while women start to feel insecure, frumpy, unworthy. At least I do. Women are expected to have taut abs, perky breasts, chiseled cheek bones, silky hair, and gams that make you go ooh. The glossies define beauty these days, leaving us with an unattainable and unrealistic view of what it means to be beautiful. We don’t walk around with the magic of airbrushing ourselves through other people’s lenses. We don’t all have a personal trainer, stylist, make up artist, cook, manicurist, facialist, brow waxer on the clock. We don’t all get paid to be pretty.
What is it to be pretty anyway? Is it the same as being cute? Hot? Lovely? Is it enough to be attractive? Is it even important to be pretty? And by whose standards?
I’ve lived my entire life as a misfit. I never fancied myself beautiful. I never even considered myself attractive. I didn’t consider myself an ugly duckling, but worse, I rendered myself invisible, inconsequential. I never fit in. I never had boys clamoring at my locker. I never was the girl who was surrounded by boys at the club. I never drew attention. I never looked the part.
When I was quite young I knew I didn’t fit in. I knew that my looks would not be considered “pretty.” I knew that brown skin was a black mark in the beauty department. While my friends rubbed baby oil on their bikini clad bodies and laid out in the sun, attracting ogles and catcalls, I sat shrouded in long sleeves and hats, with a towel covering my legs. To this day I don’t want the sun to leave its mark on me. I used to tell people that my black black hair was actually really dark brown. I didn’t want to be the only girl in school with black hair. I bleached a blond stripe into my hair in high school, a wannabe Alexandra of Josie and the Pussycats fame. I shut out my heritage in an effort to be more like them. The popular girls. The pretty girls. I shudder to think how much energy I spent trying to be something I was not.
Where I grew up Indian girls were not in the popular crew. Blond hair and blue eyes made a girl pretty. I recently looked at my high school graduation photo. When I showed it to Bird and Deal, they both remarked, “Mommy, you are the only brown skinned kid in your class.” Indeed I was. Some things never change. When I moved to the Midwest in my 20s it was more of the same. All my blond friends got attention from the guys while I stood and sipped my drink alone or hovered near one flirty couple or another. When a guy nudged me to get my attention it was always to ask if one of my friends was single. I was never the subject of anyone’s dreams. It wasn’t even a matter of not being pretty enough; I simply wasn’t pretty.
Now don’t think I was a shrinking violet who thought herself destined to be a wallflower. I suppose I resigned myself to be a sidekick and was fine with that. I was Velma to every Daphne. No one told me otherwise. I didn’t grow up being told I was lovely or pretty or worthy. Nurturing a young girl’s self esteem was not part of my family’s emotional vernacular. Perhaps we didn’t know then what we know now about children and their sense of self worth. Perhaps confidence was thought to be earned or innate, not nurtured or learned. I spent many years feeling insecure and timid. To know me now makes this difficult to believe, but that shy girl still lives in a pocket inside me.
I’ve since matured and changed my views on beauty. I realize that beauty takes many forms. And I know that it’s easier, and even more daring, to be the genuine me. Nothing about me adds up to traditional images of beauty: I’m five feet tall with stubby legs, I have a short pixie hair cut, not long silken locks that beg to be touched, I have unruly brows and a butt too big for my frame. But my smile lines all tell a story, and each and every grey hair has an overturned hurdle behind it.
I don’t look into the mirror and see someone pretty stare back at me. I don’t know much about makeup and primping and grace. I don’t fret over my imperfections and don’t have a desire to play Age Cop in an effort to rein in the Time Bandit. The only surgery I’ve had is to repair my wrecked chin from a bike accident when I was twelve. Botox scares the hell out of me, and no one is getting near my brow bone with a knife. I don’t look in the mirror at my 42 year old self and wink. I don’t see a confident, successful woman. I simply see Me, the good bits, the mushy bits. I’m happy in my skin now. I feel a sense of quiet satisfaction. And it turns out that all those years of eschewing the sun paid off.
With age comes wisdom, as they say.
Corina says
Your spirit exudes beauty. And your skin is that of a 25 year old, not a 42 year old.
Norman says
When i taught feature writing for a few semesters in Oklahoma one of my favorite exercises was to tell the class “beautiful” was a poor adjective. It did not actually describe anything but only fired the “what I think is beautiful” synapse in the reader’s brain. So I would have a person stand in front of the room and students would describe that person in as much detail as they could muster. The detail paints the picture in a reader’s mind; not non-descriptive terms like “beautiful.” You give enough detail in your self description for someone who doesn’t know you to get a good picture of what you actually look like. To those who know you, the combination of all those attributes — and of your spirit as Corina says — add up to genuine beauty.
celeste says
I had a lovely sister growing up, tall, slender, olive-skinned. My oldest brother fancied himself wordly, saying of me “Titan (the artist) would have loved you – you’re white and curvaceous.” (to me, a 10 year old, that meant fat, and I was a little chubby.) But from his thoughtless adolescent comments could have sprung a lifetime of insecurity had I not read something (in Laura Ingalls Wilder’s books) that I clung to: ‘pretty is as pretty does’.
When I die, I want to be remembered as kind, as having had an exceptionally tender and open heart. Pretty belongs to your 20’s, to how fecund and smooth-skinned all young people are; beauty is about who you’ve decided to be as a grown woman. It’s a decision made daily. I am your age, and I am sure if I met you, and you met me, we would think each other beautiful.
Terry H. says
Nice thoughts, and well said. It’s great to feel comfortable in your own skin. Did you see “Good Hair?”
Jen L. says
You, my friend, are absolutely beautiful inside and out!
Rita Arens says
I’d like to talk to you about syndication on BlogHer.com, but I can’t find your e-mail address. Can you drop me a line at rita@blogher.com? Thanks!
anjte wilsch says
well, since I first started following you I’ve always thought you were gorgeous 🙂
Fadra says
Somehow I missed this post but found it through BlogHer. My blog is riddled with stories about my self-esteem and insecurities so I don’t need to tell you that I can relate (for different reasons obviously).
But I can tell you this. In my opinion, you are beautiful in a ravishing sort of way. Your style, your edge, and most definitely, your smile.
Michele Little says
Ilina, I think you’re absolutely gorgeous! Your haircut perfectly frames your face and you always look so well put together. Your look is stunning and stops people in their tracks. Don’t ever doubt that!