You might find it hypocritical that I’m writing about alcoholism today. I mean, really, how can the purveyor of 5:00 Fridays have anything legitimate and meaningful to say about alcoholism? I’ve been accused of being a drunk slobbering mom who ignores her children and carries around a coffee mug of vodka laced java. I’ve been demeaned for whining about my kids and kicking back with a glass of wine to chill out. I’ve had many a finger pointed at me. But let me tell you something, I don’t need to drink. And to be honest, I’m glad I don’t have a drinking problem because I enjoy drinking.
Wanting a drink and needing a drink are not the same.
Mac Daddy and I might have a glass of wine with dinner and then cork up the bottle, not reaching for it for days. I probably use wine in my stock pot more often than I do in my glass. Look, that’s not to say I don’t enjoy a drink. And sure, I’ve been young and stupid and drunk. Drinking has certainly clouded my judgment, made me feel invincible, given me chutzpah. What drinking has not done is give me comfort, made me numb, or taken me away on an escape far from my own reality.
Drinking and getting drunk are not the same.
I am responsible. When Mac Daddy is out of town I don’t even have one drink. For starters, I find it discomfiting to drink alone. And call me paranoid, but I worry that a sleep too heavy will keep me from hearing Bird or Deal in the middle of the night. They are fine sleepers, mind you, but I want to be 100% lucid just in case someone has a bad dream or wheezy cough. Mac Daddy and I never drink and drive. We know before we head out who’s going to drive home. The cost of a cab is never prohibitive. We have no egos to polish. However, we haven’t had to take a cab home since we became parents. Lest you think I’m seeming holier than thou here, let me just say that we don’t want to explain to Bird and Deal in the morning why our car is in the parking lot of a bar across town. We’re big believers in leading by example. But admittedly, when I’m getting my groove on at the beach on a girls’ weekend, you can bet we’re a bunch of grown women behaving badly. However, “badly” is a relative term. There are no beer bongs or pantiless gyrations or one night stands. On our girls’ weekends we hardly even notice anyone but each other.
A happy buzz and being wasted are not the same.
Just as we have all been touched by cancer, I bet alcoholism has laid its hand across the underbelly of our being as well. Hollywood paints a picture of the sordid guy on the corner drinking malt liquor out of a can draped in a brown paper sack. And then there’s the fun drunk, the one who only drinks to be social, the life of the party. We all know her. There are many more faces of alcoholism. Some of them might look back at us in the mirror every morning. Some of them might sit across from us at the dinner table. Some of them might look out at us from the podium. Some of them might look at us from the operating table. Some of them might simply look away.
Drinking to relax and drinking to cope are not the same.
They say alcoholism is a disease. Who am I to argue with the AMA? If that’s so, then why don’t so many alcoholics get help? Are there diabetics out there who choose not to get treatment? Are there cystic fibrosis patients who don’t go to the doctor for check ups? I’m not talking about flu shots and physicals here. I’m talking about hardcore treatment for what they say is a full fledged disease. I don’t really know if alcoholism is indeed a disease. For someone like me, it’s hard to grasp drinking as a disease instead of as a choice. And when faced with the addictive, dangerous route it takes, I don’t understand not getting help. I don’t understand choosing to live within the confines of alcohol’s barriers. Alcoholism rips apart relationships, shatters families, crushes careers, and sadly, worse.
Drinking and drinking to excess are not the same.
Raymond Cook is on trial today. A powerful, wealthy plastic surgeon with a history of alcohol abuse and DUIs. A year ago, driving 90 mph after being turned down for further service at a bar, he got behind the wheel. He killed a young girl. Elena Shapiro. Because of Cook’s disease or because of his choices reeking of hubris? Cook’s wife and children live among his ruins. As for Cook, I don’t much give a damn about him. I hope that justice is served in that courtroom. I hope our state tightens its drunk driving laws (The fact that Cook didn’t lose his drivers license and drove up to carpool at his kids’s school is outrageous!). I hope that people faced with alcoholism get help. I hope these families heal. I hope in the face of this disease called Alcoholism, people make sound choices.
Choosing treatment and admitting defeat are not the same.
If Raymond Cook is now saying he is an alcoholic and needs help, one of the things he has to go through is understanding his choices that led him to killing someone have consequences. We, as parents of not that old children, daily have to explain our choices have consequences.
If he has forgotten this, for whatever reason, I hope that he is reminded of it now through the court telling him his actions have consequences.
I would think that killing someone would be his bottom.
I do think alcoholism is a disease and if you choose not to be treated, you will have to deal with the societal repercussions of that. He will kill himself eventually. He has already proven he can kill someone else.
Such a shame.
You explain so well the reasons you drink and the reasons I cannot.
Choice, indeed. As someone who chooses not to, I have absolutely no respect for those who choose to do so irresponsibly.
I agree with every single solitary thing you said. I rarely drink these days but like you, I drink because I WANT to not because I need to. I just saw something on CNN today that ranked alcohol as the #1 most dangerous drug or something. So true.
It makes me sick that he didn’t lose his license either. Wow.
Sigh.
The best way to understand alcoholism is less with the generic word “disease” and more with the idea of a compulsion disorder. For instance, those that suffer from Turrett’s Syndrome have a compulsion, caused by a twisted wire in their brains, to twitch, shout, curse, etc. People with OCD suffer from a compulsion to wash their hands repeatedly, touch items in the house in a systematic fashion, etc.
Alcoholics are compelled to drink, by a twisted wire in their brain that tells them they MUST DRINK RIGHT NOW OR THEY WILL GO INSANE OR DIE. End of story.
Recovery programs used behavior modification models to help us learn to ignore the compulsion. And, in my case anyway, the longer I go without indulging in alcohol or drugs, the weaker the compulsion is. At 15 years sober, the compulsion is 99.9% gone, although when trauma or severe stress happens to me, well, my very very very first instinct is to numb myself with alcohol or drugs. Luckily in my years of sobriety have provided me with tools that help me to recognize what it is, a compulsion because I have a disease, and to let it go and move. I know how to keep it from having power over me.
All that said, one of the primary tools for behavior modification for alcoholics and addicts it to face up to the damage they’ve caused. Taking responsibility for our actions while drunk is one of the many tools we use to quiet the compulsion.
If this man is sincere about treating his alcoholism, he will step up to the plate and quietly agree to accept his sentence (although his lawyer will also do his job and fight it, of course). If he thinks he needs to be forgiven because he is a drunk, well, he’s not really ready for sobriety yet.
In my opinion, of course.
I just knew you would add insight to this complex issue. Thank you for shedding some light on the differences among disease, addiction, and compulsion.
When you wrote this post, there were so many things I wanted to say but didn’t know where to start. My dad, now retired, was a drug and alcohol counselor (aka social worker) at a VA Hospital for close to 40 years, so I grew up knowing a lot about alcoholism since that was my dad’s biz. Like my dad, I have always enjoyed my beer or wine, but I always knew there was a line that couldn’t be crossed. As a restaurant GM, I helped a few of my staff get into 30-day rehab programs and was allowed by the hospital to visit and support one of them during rehab. Funny enough, the local AA/NA group was a recruiting ground for some of my best wait staff.
Addiction: disease or choice? I used to think the former, but I lean toward the latter now. But it’s a touchy subject and I’m not an expert, just an interested onlooker.
This morning I read a passage from Anthony Bourdain’s new book. He’s a former coke and heroin addict.
“I’m extremely skeptical of the language of addiction. I never saw heroin or cocaine as my illness. I saw them as some very bad choices that I walked knowingly into.”
http://ruhlman.com/2010/09/so-you-wanna-be-a-chef%E2%80%94-by-bourdain-2.html
Late to the party but I wanted to add that to this conversation.