Are women predisposed to taking care of children?
I never wanted to be a mother. Somehow the maternal gene was pinched between the shopping and corporate ladder climber genes that roughhoused all the others into submission. I didn’t earn pocket money babysitting, nor did I coo at the newborns colleagues brought into the office. Everything I learned about motherhood I learned from Bird and Deal. I apologize to them everyday for being my guinea pigs. I was lucky to have married a man who was a natural with children.
Mac Daddy grew up babysitting his much younger nieces and nephews. He knew how to change a diaper, hold a baby’s head safely, and adjust the crib rail. Mac Daddy is an amazing father because he is hands on with the boys as a primary caregiver, not just a ball thrower and occasional carpool picker upper. The boys feel safe in his arms and warm on his lap. He reads to them, snuggles them, encourages them. Mac Daddy taught Bird how to ride a bike and Deal how to pee standing up. Never mind that both are things I am ill equipped to do.
I chatted with a fellow parent at Bird’s soccer game recently. Somehow in conversation I mentioned that the boys’ favorite babysitter is a guy named Jay. The dad’s incredulous eyes grew wide and he point blank said to me, “You know he’s fondling your children, right?” I gasped. I stuttered. I stammered out a weak snicker, thinking he was cracking a joke, albeit in very poor taste. But he was serious. He went on to say that guys who babysit are pedophiles. Girls are supposed to be babysitters. My heart was pounding to the beat that my fists wanted to pound his forehead into the cold metal bleachers. I clenched my fingers together and crammed them into my pockets. I moved over to give distance between me and this man.
I said that women abuse children too. Abuse does not segregate. It’s about finding a babysitter whom you trust explicitly. I said that men learn to be good, strong fathers who participate in their children’s lives by being around children in a nurturing role at an early age. Men, and women for that matter, don’t just wield the title of Daddy (or Mommy) and know what to do. The art and science of nurturing a child are learned skills coupled with innate instincts. Do I need to remind you of William’s Doll? In that 1972 book, upon which the Free to Be You and Me song is based, tells the tale of a little boy who wants a doll. The dad in this story plies his son with trains and balls, typical boy fare. Finally, the voice of reason, William’s grandmother, steps into William’s world to help his father see just why a little boy playing with a doll is simply fine.
“So William’s grandma, as I’ve been told
Bought William a doll, to hug and hold
And William’s father began to frown
But grandma smiled, and calmed him down
Explaining, William wants a doll
So when he has a baby someday
He’ll know how to dress it, put diapers on double
And gently caress it to bring up a bubble
And care for his baby as every good father
Should learn to do
William has a doll, William has a doll
‘Cause someday he is gonna be a father, too”
Already we live in a society where fathers of all ilks are not present. Fathers miss out on truly participating in their children’s lives. Some are away at war. Some are long lost, having abandoned their families. Some are simply at the office over time. Providing for your family is about much more than a paycheck. My sons will learn how to be loving gentlemen from their daddy. They will see and experience and feel what it means to be a father. They are lucky to have such a role model. And I should state here that 30 some years ago when my parents divorced, my brother and I lived with our dad. While it’s rather uncommon today, it was unheard of then. My friend Pat, who recently won custody of his son, will tell you firsthand how rare such a ruling still is today.
And as for the male babysitter, Jay, the boys love him. He wrestles with them, reads to them, teases them, and romps with them. He is a fine match for their energy level, yet wields his stern side when it’s necessary. He, like Mac Daddy, is a guy who grew up caring for his nephews. He clearly loves children. Jay has the kind of patience and gentle force that I wish I had. He laughs easily and humors the boys with his antics. And he doesn’t mind the wild rumpus one bit.
It’s a shame that people of my generation, my peers, many of whom missed out on having dads in their own lives, continue this damaging line of thinking. It’s this reasoning that perpetuates stereotypes of fumbling dads a la Mr. Mom. Being a father has nothing to do with what kind of man you are. But being a man has everything to do with what kind of father you are.
Great post. Really wish I could have heard the interaction. Even more so, I would have loved to see your face.
Jay sounds like a great sitter. I need to get one for those occasional times when I can’t trade days with my kids’ mom. My girls and boy would love a sitter that would read and wrestle with them.
I love the last two lines of this post. And as I sit at home on the couch with 2 sick kids on a Tuesday morning, I’m reminded how much I love being an equal in parenting my children. Thank you for speaking out about how dads can positively impact their children. As someone who grew up without a father, it’s something I don’t take for granted.
Way to give props to a role model dad. We’ve used male babysitters many times. I’d love for this guy to tell Jeffrey, one of our sitters (6’4″ 220) that he’s a pedophile. That would be fun.
Fist bump sista!
Thanks for this – makes me proud of the SAHD role I play. I appreciate your perspective and happy to read the defense of real men, real dads – like your husband. Great stuff.
Our famous triplets have several “mother’s helpers” out of necessity. Patrick is a college student who pulls a few shifts and the babies are delighted with him. It is so interesting to see how he plays with them differently and how they respond to him differently. The little guy likes Patrick’s rough play and the two girls light up when he comes. What a great dad Patrick will make and what a great experience for the babies to interact with men and women.
Is that guy on your local school board?
Great post!
Thank you so much for this post. As a father of twins, and as a teacher who has summers off, I have spent a lot of time doing things that “women are supposed to do”. Yet, I still hear people say to me when I’m alone with my kids that I’m on “daddy duty.” I say, “I’m always on daddy duty, I’m a dad.” For some people it’s still a hard concept to grasp. I would love to find a male babysitter for our kids. Thanks for your inspiring post.
My son used to babysit when he was in high school. Loved kids, still does. He’s going to be a great dad. Take comfort in the fact that you were right and the knuckle dragger at the game was wrong.
Wow! That guy just came out and said that seriously… what a little–never mind.
This post induced a whole array of emotions for me. Indignation over guy’s comment. Pride over being part of a group of men who are conscientious parents. And humble gratitude that you took the time to recognize us. Thank you, Ilina. You are the bomb!
As a man who very nearly skated over the brink to “lost-dom” (office, liquor, divorce) I can’t tell you how much this post speaks to me. Being a good father isn’t a valid role in our society. Your last line, “But being a man has everything to do with what kind of father you are.” … Hup! [fist in front of mouth] I’m ferclempt! Tawk amongst yourselves…
Mannies are male nannies. Television shows have depicted mannies for decades. In the 1970’s, Mr. French acted as a manny for the children on “Family Affair”. In the 1980’s and 1990’s, Tony was a manny on “Who’s the Boss”. In the 2000’s, Freddie Prinze, Jr. played a one-show bit part: a manny for Ross and Rachel’s daughter on “Friends”. Once a rarity, mannies are becoming more common since stars like Britney Spears, Madonna, and Mandy Patinkin have made headlines for hiring mannies for their children.
Why do people hire mannies
? A brief list of some of the reasons are below.
“I hired a manny because I have all boys.”
“I’m a single mom and want a male figure for my children.”
“My husband travels a lot for work, so we hired a manny who can take our son camping and do a lot of boy-things with him.”
“My husband and I have four children (three daughters and one son). My husband said that he’s swimming in estrogen at our house. He insisted that we hire a manny instead of a nanny to increase the testosterone factor in our house.”
“Our parenting style, our lifestyle, is very gentle and reserved. When our son developed an interest in sports and wrestling, neither of us knew anything about that. We hired a manny that would share our son’s interests.”
“Our household is a two-parent (two mommy) household, so we hired a manny so that our children have a male role model.”
“My spouse and I are teaching our children not to assume things about people based on stereotypes. So, we hired a manny to teach our children that men can be loving and nurturing caregivers too.”
“Our children attend a very prestigious private school, but it’s located in a high crime residential area. We chose to hire a big, burly manny because we thought that, in addition to performing the traditional caregiving role well, he would serve as a visual deterrent to harm as he takes our children to and from school each day.”
“Our daughter is paralyzed. Her caregiver has to be able to lift her, and she weighs 68 pounds now. We chose.. http://tinyurl.com/ydq3x7l
As the “Babysitter” for Ilina and Mac Daddy, it is a pleasure to watch her children. I was raised in a single parent home, so I know what that looks like and how it feels. I applaud them for the way they are raising those young men. I look forward to my days when I can hang with Bird and Deal.
To all the fathers that play an active role in the lives of your children, keep it up! I applaud you!
Oh, man – that “men who are interested in children must be molesters” is so annoying. Like so many gender stereotypes it’s truly damaging. With that kind of reaction to a babysitter, how would you like to be a man and work in daycare or as a teacher in elementart school. And yet, our kids really benefit from having both men and women around growing up.
I’ve run into the “dad – must lack basic competence with his child” reaction, too, just as I have witnessed men worm their way out of doing their share (and being there for their children) by playing on the “I’m a man, how would I know how to change a diaper” line.
Overall I see things moving away from these stereotypes, though. Not quickly, but things are changing. At least here more and more dads are taking some of the parental leave, and that really changes things – both for the man and in the eye of the world around him. Like all gender issues, we’d like change to be quicker, but it’s happening.
To Lina- as a former male nanny myself, who has worked with ages 5months-8 years of age and now i am back to being a preschool teacher for children ages 18months-age3, i still however ocassinally babysit for 4 families, one was my nanny family of 3 years, i started when their children were 15months(girl) 3 years (boy) 4 years (girl) they are now 5, 7 and 8. I went into nannying because i was sick and tired of co-workers telling me i was not allowed to work closely with a child, change their diaper, or the such because i was male and parents would complain. quite the opposite parents looked at me oddly because i was not allowed to do those things. I do not like changing diapers, but if its part of the job im not going to slack, THAT and i dont want something like that forced on me. Back to what i was saying there are no words that can describe how thankful i am that there are parents like you out there still that understand that abuse is not gender specific and that males can be great with young children as well.
many have looked at me oddly because i went into the feild of working as a preschool teacher and why i decided to major in early childhood education. i told them it was for the same reason any female would, i knew i was good at it, i love the challenge and it combined all my skills as a artist, science person and so much more. They have asked me why i didnt work with the older kids as most guys would,i did, and they made me want to tear my hair out, my niche is with toddlers and preschoolers, id rather change a dirty diaper or deal with potty training than deal with annoying back talk, deviousness and the such. id rather get messy than deal with video game after video game after video game!
so to you dads out there dealing with early childhood and understand that sexual abuse is not limited to gender and you hire people based on their qualificatioins not if they have a penis or a vagina, i commend you, you are being a man, to the moms out there who are also dealing with early childhood and understand the importance of male influence and more.
to jay- keep on doing what your doing man, more folks like you are needed
jared-being a dad is the hardest thing of all in these times, and thank you, if you wanted a male babysitter i wish i was near your area 🙂 but theres always sittercity 😀
to those males who are babysitters and preschool teachers, we need more of you!
You should of mentioned to that man, Sarah Slicker and the canadian CRC’s statistics.
It’s depressing that people still think in such a sexist way about men – that because you’re a man, you’re automatically likely to be a child molester. It’s so sexist and creates a society where boys are brought up to be second class citizens.
It’s actually very depressing and making me reconsider a career working with children. I have been told (via a tutor) that a nursery was “singing my praises”, and praised by the manager on a different day, so I know I’m good with kids (I connect with them and even manage to get the shy ones involved, and they compete for my attention), but the EXTREMELY hurtful attitudes that still exist are seriously making me reconsider a childcare-related career.