The air is thick with equal parts regret and hope today. 2011 carried the weight of many losses and struggles. Mother Nature had beastly tantrums this year. War ravaged in all corners of the world and on urban street corners in cities across America. The economy tested our spirits and left many families the detritus of his breakdown. 2011 also brought countless joys and moments of memories that we will unknowingly carry with us until a point in the future that we pinch our noses and squinch our brows to recall the date. And then we will say, “Ah, it was in 2011, the year that you were 8,” or some other such thing.
The day that marks the end of one year and the beginning of a new year is laden with reflection and anticipation. The air is heavy with what was, what is, what could have been, what will be. It’s a complicated cocktail of time that wreaks havoc on our psyches.
The end of another year playing tug of war with the beginning of a new year leaves this song on replay in my head today.
I think about where my life is today and where I thought it would be. I reflect on my aspirations and check off what came true and what is yet to come and come face to face with what will not be.
I’m not one for resolutions, which is not to say I don’t have resolve. It’s just that a list of resolutions is one more thing that I don’t end up doing and disappoint myself. I don’t need more crap to beat up myself about. I carry so much baggage and guilt that Delta doesn’t have enough cargo space for me. Such is a mom’s life, right? Resolutions simply add stress to my life and leave me ending the year thinking of what could have been and should have been. I suppose you’re thinking I’m lazy and unmotivated. It’s not that, really. It’s more that I let Life get in the way and don’t stop to prioritize myself. In fact, as I think back on 2011, I realize that I only spent two nights away from my husband and kids this year. A mere two nights. One was to walk 39.3 miles in a breast cancer walk so it’s not like I was cavorting around town. I never feel like I have the luxury to put myself first. And admittedly, sometimes I get overwhelmed and shut down.
I don’t even want to list the things I failed to accomplish in 2011.
The one goal I really set for myself proved to be more daunting than I had realized – publishing my 5:00 Fridays book. The proposal is done. It’s been reviewed, tweaked, reviewed again, and passed to a few hands. Now I’m paralyzed. Navigating the publishing process is no stroll through Candyland. But I’m not letting myself get debilitated by the hard stuff this year. I’m going to push through it, which sort of sounds like a resolution.
well said and agreed on resolutions – for me, it’s the same category as self-help or “secret to happiness” books. It’s almost as it you try too hard you likely won’t find or accomplish it….
Trying to live and be thankful in and for the present moment while anticipating all that can be accomplished in 2012 (not an easy balance) Happy New Year Ilina! I know one thing – I look forward to reading more of your posts in 2012…so keep on writing!
OMG I didn’t know you were doing the book. That is brilliant. BRILLIANT! Also, I believe I spent two nights with you in Seattle, no? That was 2011, and the occasion is one of my favorite memories.
Indeed! You are correct. We were together for 2 nights…one of the best times I had in 2011! I stand corrected. That brings my total nights away from my family to 3 in 2011.
Don’t get me started on those self help books…