All Those Things I Didn’t Know…

I am delighted to bring to you a guest post from my friend Victoria. She’s not a blogger, but after reading this, you’ll agree that she should be one.

When I was a little girl, I would play house. As I created my mythical house-world, I would create personas and identities for myself. I had arbitrarily decided that 19 years old was the perfect age. At 19, you are essentially an adult, but can still wear cool young clothes. Those markers were what determined successful womanhood in my naïve, young mind. Raised in a culture that considered feminism unnecessary at best and reprehensible more likely, I never fancied myself particularly assertive or feministic.

As I grew, I never quite fit in. A terribly responsible child, I worried that if I let my parents see me failing to make friends or be happy with my life, I was adding to family stress that was uncalled for. I never did any teenage rebellion – no late nights or even Senior Skip Day. As my peers regularly (and typically) tested boundaries, I was busy painting inside lines to make sure when I reached that magical age of 19 I would be in tact and ready to take on the world.

When I turned 19, that feeling of completion of wholeness was not there. I felt I was pursuing some promising future through college, but 19 was not the idyllic picture I had conjured up in my head as a young girl. Oddly, neither was 20… or 21… or 25… or 26.

At 25, I faced a quarter life crisis. I had no real, promising career, only a bachelor’s degree, no family of my own, a car that didn’t even have power steering, and credit card debt. After some weeks of existential soul searching, I quickly adopted a Chihuahua, got a gym membership and determined to make my life something different.

Now, here I sit at 32. The world, though still complicated, looks very different to me now.

 

As a young person, I feared age. 19 was a pinnacle in my mind and the rest of my life (the three quarters or so of it I might have left) was to be a gradual but continuous decline. I would live my Sarah Jessica Parker a la “Girls Just Want to Have Fun” youth and then retire to some domestic obscurity that I couldn’t quite fathom. Now, richer with perspective bred from experience, I know that my young self is incredibly foolish.

Since 2009, the year I turned 29 years old, I have earned two Masters Degrees, gotten married, had my first child, bought a house, started a business, and moved across the country to take a dream job. A decade after what I initially thought was the perfect age, I finally felt like I was actually getting my chance to live the American Dream – and I was doing it on my terms. I am an artist, a mother, a wife, a friend, a social entrepreneur, a woman – everything I have always wanted to see myself as, and everything I have actively pursued.   

Now, at 32 years old, I am old enough to have the confidence that comes from having survived turbulent, emotional 20’s and a quarter life crisis, but am still young enough to benefit from the leadership of boundary-shattering women like Sheryl Sandberg and Melissa Mayer. I have been told to “lean in” and have been allowed to “step back.” I have been told not to let the world make me think I’m irrational to want a happy home and a happy career. And I have been given permission and insights into how I can chart my own path.

When I need my husband to be the supporter and not the supported, I can “step back” as a wife. When my husband needs me to take the reigns and be the primary income earner, I can “lean in.” When my son needs a beloved aunt to care for him so I can attend to my job, I can “step back” as a mother (Well… not really on this one… but, I did get away for a few guilt-free hours). When my son’s development is advancing rapidly and I need to advocate for him to get the attention he needs to continue, I can “lean in.” When the program I run needs to rely on other leadership to be creative and empowered problem solvers, I can “step back” as a leader. When there are unidentified donors I need to cultivate and funding sources as yet untapped, I can “lean in.” When my friends need to find a way to deal with personal drama without confiding all fears and frustrations to me, I can “step back” as a friend. When my friends need extra encouragement or support and I’m available, I can “lean in.”

It is a wonderful time to be a woman.  

 

When complications like job markets that refuse to reward my husband’s tireless pursuit of a PhD, unexpected pregnancies, and government shutdowns crop up, I remember that I face my struggles standing on the shoulders of women who built this world for me at great cost.  I am so thankful that I have the options I do. When I feel weighed down by my many roles and expectations – all of which I dearly love and happily use as personal identifiers – I have the luxury of choosing my own path with grace and dignity.

At 32, I now know that my young self could not tell the value of so many things. I had no idea that age would be such a gift. It is a mechanism for refining yourself and learning to love others more fully and perfectly. I could not see how ferociously important and wonderful feminist heroes are. They paved paths for me that they themselves never were fortunate enough to tread. I could not see how a diverse role identity – one that includes traditional roles, like mother and wife – blends so beautifully and seamlessly with more modern roles – like social entrepreneur and artist.  

I hope that I use my 30’s to begin to establish a legacy that helps the next generation of women impact their world powerfully and fully, with new rights and options that I can’t foresee at this moment. Just as importantly, I hope I use my 40’s even more powerfully than my 30’s. Then, my 50’s…  then, my 60’s. I hope I never retire. I hope I am thankful enough for what was created for me before I even thought to ask for it or value it that I tirelessly work to do the same for those who come after. It only seems fair.

 

About my friend Victoria:
She is a mother, wife, social entrepreneur, musician, and advocate for those things she holds dear. Currently the Executive Director of Sistema Utah, a nonprofit that seeks to help communities and youths improve their future through music, Victoria actively seeks opportunities to create sustainable and rehabilitative communities. At her home in Salt Lake City, Utah, Victoria loves to harness her Italian – Hispanic roots, cooking with wild abandon (but without gluten or sugar), loving her son with a fierce and unending passion, devoting herself to a happy and evolving marriage, and caring for her first man – her 7 year old mutt, Hector.