I am the mother of sons. My goal is to raise them to grow up to not be assholes. I do not count myself in the same ilk as the Stanford rapist’s father who admonishes his violent act of rape as an incident, nay mistake, that resulted from binge drinking. I know plenty of boys who binge drank and didn’t rape anyone. Sounds like the dad is the tree to his rapist son’s apple. Every parent of sons and every high school and college age boy should read the book Missoula by Jon Krakauer. That tale could be spun at every college campus in America. I know this to be true.
The onus is on us, fellow parents of boys. We are the ones who can stop the re-victimization of rape victims, stop shaming women for what they wear, stop putting the onus on girls to protect themselves. We are teaching our daughters to fear men but not teaching our sons to respect women. My god, this is an effed up paradigm. How about we teach our sons to be respectful, kind, and honorable? There is no gray area here. This cocktail of bigotry and misogyny running through our American veins right now has reached dangerous, toxic levels. We must not allow this to go on in our national political landscape, in our communities, or in our own homes.
Girls are denigrated for their behavior, their clothing, their history. Girls have a “past,” while boys have a future. Girls are strewn about as disposable, guilty, shamed. Boys are celebrated for their bravado, their “boys will be boys” ne’er care attitudes, their gifts to the world that are all the more worshipped if these are athletic in nature. For girls, the social contract entails “what if she had behaved differently?” For boys, the social contract is “what if he never reaches his promise and potential.” As if these boys are the victims here. Hmph.
This case points to more than accountability and responsibility. There is the issue of honor, but more importantly, there is the issue of the legal system. This JUDGE deemed a six-month sentence to be appropriate for an unconscionable act of violence that leaves permanent emotional scars. If our own legal system, one that has a statute of limitations for rape, works against us, what do we have as recourse?
We need more women in positions of power, for sure. We need men to stand up as feminists. We need to be each other’s allies. We need to raise our sons, first and foremost, to respect themselves and respect women. We need to conscientiously teach consent. We need to speak up and out. We must channel this rage into action and not wallow in it, falling into malaise and defeat.
And for the record, this case is black and white. Imagine if a man of color had done this. I’m fresh out of words and don’t know how to channel the ire I’m feeling.
So help me out here, mothers of sons and daughters alike. What can we do? What should we do? What are we going to do?
Thank you. Thank you for putting out there what has been on my mind for months but didn’t have the words or guts to say out loud. Thank you for teaching your sons to be good men and good allies.
How about ensuring young boys have strong fathers and mothers that showcase how women should be treated – as human beings who are our equals, who are equally likely to have worth, intelligence, bright futures, and on the flipside also have equal likelihood of being liars, or cheats, or assholes. We are not genders. We are people, human beings, with the same basic set of worthy and unworthy attributes. Raising a strong son means teaching them equality, but also how to cultivate their worthy attributes and how to avoid having stress or pressure from life bring out the unworthy attributes. Basically always obey the golden rule in all situations, learn some humility and basic empathy and human kindness. And in some cases forgiveness.