America is burning. Do not look away.

 

Dear Bird and Deal,

America is burning. Do not look away. 

The current events of the world have gutted me. Do not trust the people who carry on with a business-as-usual gait. As you know, I grew up in Charlottesville and went to college there. It’s become synonymous with white supremacy protests that have finally started to unravel some of the power structure and racism that plagues all cities in our country. I lived in Minneapolis for eight years and became an adult there. I met your dad there. Many of our oldest, closest friends are people we worked with there in the iconic IDS Tower. We walked the streets where fires burn.

The world will always see you, my sons, as racially ambiguous at best, as brown boys at worst. There is an inherent power and value structure that puts whiteness above all. It’s palpable in America right now, though we see it in our Indian culture too. As brown boys, you have had and will continue to have but a teeny tiny taste of what it means to be non-white in America. This taste will become more keen as you grow older. You might experience something that prickles your neck hair like deja vu flitting her fingers across the back of your neck and remember the time we were followed as we wandered around that gift shop when you were in elementary school and you asked me why the lady was always behind us but never talked to us. When we left you noted that she went back to the cash register and didn’t follow other people in the store. Your black friends will have many more stories like this. Listen to their lived experiences and be empathetic.

More recently, we’ve been taunted with jeers of “Go home!” and “Trump’s going to build a wall for you!” It’s all reminiscent of what my family and I experienced post 9/11, but with barrels of fuel sloshed on top in today’s world. People forget history and wear a white lens to view it so push back when people tell you how America came together after 9/11. That’s not true for people who look like us. That’s when we were racially profiled on flights and harassed to the point of violence and vandalism. That sparked the Muslim ban and all the xenophobia America emboldened when Pandora took the shape of Trump in 2016. It’s our brownness that took a lifetime for me to embrace and feel beautiful in that will give you just a peek into what it means to be not white in America. And for as bad as it can get, and it can get pretty bad with what Trump has unleashed, it will never be as bad as what your black friends face. Listen to their perspectives and learn.

America is burning. Do not look away.

We watched the news together last night, and as a history major, I remarked how you are living history that will be the mark of your generation. The election of Donald Trump and the destruction he has wrought. The divided country that the GOP has enabled. The COVID-19 pandemic. And now this, fighting for overdue racial justice. We are on the cusp of something here, I can feel it rising. It’s time. Do you remember when I told you my essay question in high school was “the more things change, the more they stay the same?” I’d have fodder for days if I had been assigned that topic today. These are the days that will shape you as you grow from boys to men. My hope has always been to raise sons who aren’t assholes. I’m adding to that now because when I learn more, I want to do better. My hope is to raise anti-racist sons who aren’t assholes. Don’t simply talk about how you believe in all the right things – justice, equality, peace – actively stand up to be anti all the rest – greed, misogyny, injustice, and all the -isms. 

I don’t have all the answers, and according to you, I don’t have any of them on most days, but I’m going to try to share some ways you can live these values your dad and I have instilled in you. Even as teenagers, there’s so much you can do.

Celebrate your heritage. Don’t try to fit into a white world with a sense of shame and feeling that you don’t belong. Take up space and own it. 

Read. Since you were born we gave you a multi-cultural life. We sought books that celebrated women and black and brown people. We read books with non-white characters, and boy were they hard to find.

Explore social justice warriors whose lived experiences have not been in your history lessons. Read a variety of perspectives from these leaders to learn how you can be anti-racist.

Capture some of what you’re feeling in a journal because it will be priceless documentation of a pivotal time for your children and grandchildren to treasure. Firsthand accounts always win. And when you write it down, it embeds in your psyche, further cementing how these times will inform your actions.

Listen to learn, not to defend. Don’t be one of those “yes, but…” people. Lived experiences matter from the lens of the people sharing their stories. Not everything is our story to tell, but they are our stories to learn from.

Call out microaggressions. “So how did you get this job?” is the classic one I’ve heard recently. There’s also, “You’re not really American” or “You sound white.” People use microaggressions to discount and discredit with the ol’ standby, “Not everything is about race.” Yes, yes it is. These are all bullshit comments so call out microaggressions when you hear them.

Ditto for gaslighting. Gaslighting is a classic deflection strategy to keep the reins on power while tearing down and manipulating someone else. Listen and you’ll hear a chorus of, “I’m sorry you feel that way” or “You’re being too sensitive.”  People will discount stories of injustice with flippant comments like, “I’ve never experienced that” or worse, “Maybe you misinterpreted it.” Don’t fall for it and call that shit out.

Use your voice. Or your pen. Or your keyboard. Remember all those years when I used to make you write to elected officials about any topic of your choice? Keep doing it. It’s an easy way to use your voice. You also have social media, blogs, and tools I likely don’t even know about where you can share your perspectives and encourage your peers.

Stay engaged. Register to vote. VOTE. If there’s one thing I know your dad and I have taught you, it’s the value of your vote. When I took you to vote when you were a baby, you wore a bib that says, “Mommy loves me too much to vote Republican.” I’m saving that for my grandchildren.

Consume media from non-white artists and creators. Share their work. Read lyrics, listen for instruments blending other cultures. Actively seek out musicians, poets, actors, filmmakers, writers, and artists from different, non-white roots. Representation matters.

Ask questions. You are surrounded by smart, dedicated, loving people who want nothing more than to love you. They express that love through teaching. Though you feel like not everything has to be a lesson, you’ll find that’s not true. Lessons lurk in every corner. Look for them and unravel them yourself. Ask when you seek clarity.

Use a keen eye. When you interview for a job or serve as a volunteer, look to see what the leadership looks like. If it’s all white, or worse, all white male in this day and age, walk away. Don’t be tokenized. Don’t let your brown skin be used to make white leaders look good. You are not a trophy. Organizations with a glaring lack of diversity show us that people who look like us aren’t valued. 

Protest. When I was your age I marched in band with my trombone and now use my voice as an instrument. Since you were in a stroller, we marched to fight school segregation, elections, gun violence, women’s rights. There’s more to do. Find the markers, boys.

Keep learning. There are no siloed issues. Climate change, poverty, racism, sexism, all of this and more, are inextricably intertwined. You’ll see that playgrounds and schools are tended to in rich neighborhoods and poor neighborhoods keep bearing the brunt of natural disasters. You’ll note how women are kept out of the old boys’ club and how black and brown people aren’t at the decision making table from everything from school PTAs to boardrooms. 

Like the issues, we are all connected. Use the privilege you were born into. Do not become blind or jaded or numb. The time for platitudes has passed. I’m guilty of it myself. I’ve waxed about the heart and the brain, but what I tell you now is to use your spine, your ears, and your voice.

America is burning. Do not look away.

I love you to the moon and back.

Mom