Job Hunting Is Demoralizing

No one talks about how demoralizing it is to be unemployed. So much of ourselves is intertwined with our careers – self-worth, sense of accomplishment, power, influence. To be without work means my own self-worth wanes, my sense of accomplishment fades, and let’s be honest, in a house of teenage boys, I have no shot at power and influence. Work is often an escape, a departure from the mundane tasks at home, and a chance to stretch our brains in new ways. Work is where I am Ilina first, an identity often usurped by the other hats I wear. To be out of work makes me feel worthless, and this makes the arduous job of finding a job even more difficult. Every day I wake up with gusto, bootstraps pulled tautly, pencils sharpened, phone voice hydrated, fingers nimble. Self-talk rings in my ears, the sounds of encouragement, gumption, and optimism beating down feelings of anxiety, stress, and self-defeat. I am my own one-woman coaching and cheering staff. 

Looking for a job is more than a full-time pursuit. Networking in a pandemic is incredibly difficult, and job prospects at my level are in short supply. The process to apply for a job hasn’t been updated in decades, and there’s certainly nothing customer-focused about it. It’s all so impersonal with the random strange question tossed in (“Describe what makes you click in 150 characters or fewer” — essentially you want me to craft a tweet about what makes me who I am). Upload resume. Apply through LinkedIn. Sign up and register to have the ability to apply. Forget password. Repeat information. Complete form even though you already uploaded your resume. Complete form even though the application is pre-populated with LinkedIn. Computer freezes. Wifi is laggy. Data lost. Refresh. Try again. Upload cover letter. Fill out more applications. Will the bot like me? Who’s reading my cover letter anyway? A friend said companies removed the “human” from “human resources,” and I don’t think I’ve ever felt something more keenly.

Try to be plucky or erudite, depending on what the situation calls for.

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Every day is the life of Sisyphus. 

I spend my days researching jobs, applying online, making networking calls, sending introductory emails, and texting with friends who are in the same shaky boat lost at sea. Earning an income is important. Having health insurance is critical. Boosting my spirit is everything. When I delve into a project I get lost in the best possible way. I yearn to stretch my curiosity, learn new things, and feel like I am contributing to something beyond my four walls. I do work throughout my day in advocacy, board service, and volunteering. What I need to round out my being is a return to my career. For now, I’m sticking to volunteering in my personal life and want to go back to the private sector in my professional life. 

And the fact that access to affordable health insurance is tied to employment is criminal. This is exacerbated by a pandemic when we need the security of health and mental health care more than anything. How many people stay in jobs that make them miserable just to have health insurance? How many of us have stuck it out with an abusive boss because we needed insurance? How many professionals take positions beneath their skills just to have healthcare? The system is not made for workers. And it is certainly not made for women, especially mothers.

Pandemic unemployment went from being a headline to a reality for me. 

Alas, this employment purgatory of sorts is a lesson in patience and perseverance. A barrage of rejections dulls a woman’s limelight pretty rapidly. “Thanks for applying. We’re going in another direction. You’re not the right fit. You’re overqualified. Your skills aren’t what we need.” The list goes on. My inbox is brimming with bad news. Does anyone actually get a job from LinkedIn or other online platforms? So far it seems like my applications float in an abyss. It’s demoralizing to be told no day after day, to be told you’re not right, you’re not wanted. To my own psyche this translates to “you’re not worthy,” and I fight that demon daily.

I am trying to remain positive and hopeful in the midst of the most crippling and demoralizing period of my adult life. And yet, I have blessings beyond measure. To those who lift my spirits, lift up my family in prayer, and uplift my name to new opportunities, I raise a glass to you in gratitude. 

Here’s to brighter days ahead.