I have always said the worst thing about parenting is other parents. It can be a challenge when you take different discipline paths in the midst of a play date. It can be irksome to listen to the overbearing sports parent cheer and denigrate in the same breath. It is intimidating to hear one parent’s driven angst on meet the teacher night to ensure her daughter’s success when all you asked about was lunch time so you could time bringing sushi to your kid on a day you want to surprise him with his favorite food and a lunch date. It can be a deal breaker when a parent waxes against your core beliefs and you experience a clash of values.
This is how Mac Daddy and I divorced some pretty close friends.
Our children had been in school together for years. They were the kind of friends we trusted to watch our boys overnight. They came over bearing hugs and dinner and plants when Mac Daddy’s father died. They were at family members’ birthday parties for years. On paper you’d think we had nothing in common, yet we found lots of common ground. Oddly enough, the closer we got the more snide they became. They were condescending about our choices, our politics, our parenting, even our meals. I’ll spare you the drawn out details, but this is not how friendship is supposed to work.
When it was time to register our older children for school, we did what all over zealous, modern parents do. We toured schools, took notes, compared notes, drank wine. We wanted different things for our children, and since our kids were so vastly different, this was to be expected. We carried on our jolly ways, all the while respecting each other’s decisions. But then they kept on about public school and the loathsome children and their slacker parents. They groaned about how the free and reduced lunch population brings down a school (never mind that their own child has yet to read at grade level and has not fared well on various assessments and aptitude tests). They rolled their eyes at programs to help the underprivileged among us. They balked at the thought of their precious cargo sharing desk space with so many kids who are DIFFERENT. They spit out the word “different” as if it were a tincture of arsenic and lighter fluid.
When they finally settled on a school, they came to us excitedly to share the news. They clamored on and on about the school grounds, sports facilities, class sizes, finally marveling at its greatest feature. “Everyone there is exactly the same! It’s just what we were looking for! No one will bring down test scores or suck resources! THIS is what was missing at all those other schools.”
And then I threw up and threw them out.
The truth is, diverse classrooms help all students. These former friends’ cagey racism didn’t fly past us. Their words “Everyone there is exactly the same!” continues to ring in my ears. No amount of Wax Vac will suck that shit out.
I love this, Ilina. I have to be honest, someone as amazing as you, I cannot believe (I mean I do believe you, don’t get me wrong) that someone would be that stupid as to not recognize how wrong they were – and not just wrong to you, but wrong in general, and in front of you. So weird. People make me sad. I am sorry you lost what you could have had, but not that you lost them, I hope that makes sense.
Ugh. Knowing you, I’m not sure how you were friends with them in the first place! Glad you got their small-minded toxicity out of your life. I feel bad for their kids though. You were probably a good influence. :-/
WOW. Just. Wow. See? We have the opposite problem. We WANT our kid to go to a school where everyone is different. That’s harder than you’d think it would be to find where we live. Having lived on the most culturally diverse street in the world when we were in NYC (and having felt more at home there than any other place I’ve ever been), I crave different. People like that make me sick. Good for you for tossing them out.
I agree so much that other parents are the hardest part of parenting. How many times have I sat and compared myself to other parents? And for what? They are not a part of every day, my specific situation, or my family. We all have to give ourselves a break from comparisons. Otherwise we risk losing sight of what’s really important.
Wow. I can’t even imagine looking for a lack of diversity when picking a school. Good riddance.
I had to come back. You know what’s funny? We decided against the magnet school we looked at BECAUSE of a lack of diversity. It was different, but we wanted to be sure our daughter saw a good mix of people, and met them and loved them, as she always has. Whether any shade of skin color or hair color or language, it is supposed to be a mishmash. I can’t imagine doing otherwise. Like Nicole says I can’t imagine it either. They’re all the same gives me negative chills. Like Stepford feeling chills. Meh. OK – done now. :>
Ilina, I couldn’t wait to read this post after seeing your tagline. I have experienced both the divorcing in friendships AND a 35 year friendship with someone that I disagree with on everything politically and religiously and many values. BUT, the key, I think, is whether there is respect for the other’s values. Obviously, it was time for your friends to meet you in divorce court! Great post.